Confidence...self-esteem...self-value...self-worth...poise...assurance...pride...and on and on it goes. How can there be so many words in our language that describe a belief that your personhood is worth something and so few of us that would use them to describe ourselves? When I look around our world I see so many people either compensating for a lack of self-worth, abusing others due to a lack of self-value, people who clearly see nothing of value in themselves, and some who lack confidence, but have become experts at hiding it. The number of people I know who have true peace with themselves and see their value are few and far between...and I stand in awe of them.
A couple of months ago I sat in a Panera Bread, one of my favorite alone spots, completing some self-reflection that had been assigned to me regarding my need to please others. I was working on the task of internal validation vs. external validation. Such exercises require you to find worth within yourself without the need for someone else to validate you through some type of praise. So I wrote the question, "Why do I have value?" on my paper in order to provide answers that were not driven by helping or pleasing others. Then I stared at the paper for the next 35 minutes.
Somewhere around the 20 minute mark tears started filling my eyes; how could it be that I didn't have one answer to this question that wasn't based in someone else's needs? Before I sound too pathetic, let me explain further. I know that there are many people who love me and care for me. I know that if something were to happen to me that people would miss me and I know that I have mattered to others. The point of the exercise, however, was to describe the innate reasons you have value that have nothing to do with what you do, but focus on who you are. In nearly 35 years of life I had always quantified my value based on what other people had to say or how they saw me or how they felt about me. I am like a dog who quivers when hearing the words, "Good dog!" and slinks to hide under the chair when I hear, "Bad dog!"
It took me 35 minutes, well, 34 years and 35 minutes, but I finally came up with the beginnings of an answer. I have value because I am a loved child of God. My intrinsic value is found in who God created me to be no matter what I chose to do with myself. In other words, I don't have value because I have a college degree or by being a pastor or by being a good daughter or by being a good friend. I also don't lack value because I'm not a mother or a wife or beautiful or an athlete or extremely talented at music. I have value because God decided to create me; that I can us my created being to help others from time to time is just a bonus. I could have any profession and still have value. I could have a lot of friends or no friends and still have value. I can be single, married, divorced, or widowed and still have value. I can be a mother, stepmother, godmother, or just the best auntie ever and still have value. Because God created my being; my unique being.
Don't believe me? Consider these words from 1 Timothy, "For everything created by God is good, and nothing is to be rejected, provided it is received with thanksgiving; for it is sanctified by God's word and by prayer." (1 Tim 4:4-5, NRSV) So long as I am thankful for my creation then I am good, sanctified by God. I wish I could tell how much these concepts have begun to change the way I see myself. It makes me sad that it took me so long to see this wonderful truth about all created beings. Each and every created person of God has value and worth, including me, not because of what we do, but because we exist. If we chose to do evil with or "waste" the personhood given to us by God, then it may be that we don't have value in society, but we always have value to God.
So consider these questions: 1) Do you see this value in yourself?; 2) Do you recognize this value in others?; 3) Do you accept that the way society values people is not how God values people?; 4) If the answer to 1-3 is yes, then how will this change the way you treat yourself and others?
I am a work in progress and so I haven't fully incorporated this way of seeing and understanding myself into my life just yet. If you find yourself in a similar place I hope you will begin your own process. Look deeply at your soul and know that God sees you just as God created you; not the way society sees you. Don't ever let someone make you feel unworthy or less than them again. Don't rely on pleasing others to know you matter. You already matter to God! AND, so does everyone else. Let us look beyond clothes, titles, physicality and other markers of status to see the created being that God sees. For when you discover true value in yourself, you will also see the true value in others.
Could it be that this is what Jesus meant when he said, "You shall love your neighbor as yourself." (Matthew 22:39, NRSV) Love others for their created self and innate value, just as we love ourselves in this way? Interesting that in order to fulfill this commandment we have to love ourselves first. Make today that day, for this is the time to value yourself as God does!
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